And I'm a Little Kid at a Three Ring Circus . . .

Life feels like a three ring deal these days. I find myself going through motions a lot and looking forward to less stressful days.

I have to preface what follows with acknowledgment to my daughters and Toby McKeenan. March and April this year found me under all out spiritual attack. I'll pass on what the attack was, but suffice it to say it blindsided me and has given me tremendous compassion for others who are taken and fall in the same snare I struggled with.

The day before Easter (with my head still spinning) I heard what sounded like devil music coming from my daughters room (anybody who knows my daughter knows she's a spiritually minded child so it was more annoyance on my part than a need to chastise) Cindy was visiting and it turned out to be her new Toby Mac cd. "Allright, I know he's scripturally sound, but please keep it down, you know I don't like that stuff"

"Here Mom, listen to this one" Becky fiddled with her cd player, and left me in the room alone. What followed can only be described as a worship service as God spoke to me through the lyrics and I tearfully embraced his message to me. So here's my personal version of the first verse of Lose My Soul:

Father God, I am clay in your hands,
Help me to stay that way through all life's demands,
'Cause they chip and they nag and they pull at me,
And every little thing I make up my mind to be,
Like I'm gonna be a (momma) whose in the mix,
And I'm gonna be a (wife) who stays legit,
And I pray that I'm (a woman) who rises above,
The road that is wide and filled with self love,
Everything that I see draws me,
Though it's only in You that I can truly see that its a feast for the eyes- a low blow to purpose.
And I'm a little kid at a three ring circus.

(Chorus) I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul
(repeat)

Two months later the three ring circus is exactly where I found myself. Norman took me to Calloway Gardens on a Sunday afternoon and we attended the circus they have on the beach during the summertime. It was beautiful and well done. We sat on the front row almost dead center of the middle ring. The show was great and the whole time I kept remembering the lyrics wondering if there was something I was missing that God was trying to teach me.

That was a month and a half ago and looking at things now maybe it was prophetic as life sure seems to be a three ring circus these days. Between problems at work, the house repairs and Mike's impending nuptials there's just no letting up or catching up.

I'd love the be the little kid watching all this play out but for now I feel more like the tightrope walker who'll plunge to the depths below if I miss a step. I've had to accept that II Corinthians 9:8 doesn't mean I'll get EVERYTHING done EVERY day. "All sufficiency in all things" means the things of God's choosing, not mine. I cling to the verse that God will not give me more than I can bear. I close with the last words of the song and the rest of my prayer:

Lord forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world,
That fight for our love, and our passion,
As our eyes are open wide and on you.
Grant us the privilege of your world view,
And may your kingdom be, what wakes us up, and lays us down.